


One Need in the Night

by lls_mutant



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Dark fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-02
Updated: 2010-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 06:24:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/84027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lls_mutant/pseuds/lls_mutant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Revenge.  Everyone wants it.  Sometimes, it's even deserved.  But that doesn't necessarily mean that it's forgivable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Need in the Night

**Author's Note:**

> I seem to have about a million backstories for Hoshi. This is a new one. And while this isn't set in any of my novel-length universes, it was written with [Freaks and Geeks](http://community.livejournal.com/frak_that/7587.html) in mind as a prequel for Helo's friendship with Gaeta.

_She's connected, bound to her brothers and sisters in a unity that is all she has ever known. And that union is angry. Anger that has simmered for far too long, wrongs that have yet to be righted. There has to be justice in the universe; perfect, divine justice. The children need to destroy the parents, and then there can at last be freedom, there can at last be light, there can at last be _hope._ The liquid swirls around her fingers and her hair drapes to frame her face and she smiles._

They're ready.

***

Sharon looked up when Helo came in. "Where were you?" she asked, and then her face changed when she saw his expression. "Are you all right?"

"_I'm_ all right," Helo sighed. He went over to the locker and found their bottle of whiskey. He poured himself a shot and knocked it back quickly, and then another. Sharon's brows knit together with worry.

"What happened?"

"I was talking to Felix." Helo sat down, lacing his fingers together and staring at them. "He was having a rough night."

"New Caprica?" Sharon asked sympathetically.

"Something like that. Some frakkers… Gods, I wish I'd gotten names out of him." He took a sip of his drink. "They…"

Sharon came over and sat down beside him, her hand on his arm. "I know he's having a hard time," she said, "but he knew it this would happen. Felix Gaeta is a good person, Helo, and I know you want to protect him. But a lot of this he has to deal with himself."

Helo shook his head. "Not with people trying to throw him out an airlock."

Sharon's eyes widened. "What?"

"That's what he was telling me about tonight. Right after the Exodus… he said there was a Circle. People who had been picked by Zarek to try collaborators and execute them if they found them guilty. They got a hold of him."

"But Felix was the inside source!" Sharon protested.

"Yeah, well, apparently they didn't know that yet."

"It must have been _right_ after the Exodus," Sharon mused. She was silent for a long moment. "He won't tell you who it was?"

Helo shook his head. "I've got my guesses, but…" he made a face and swallowed more whiskey.

"But he's all right," Sharon prompted.

Helo shook his head. "Maybe physically. But you know what he told me tonight? He wished they'd managed to finish the job. That maybe he should have gone out the airlock. I mean, he was drunk and he was bitter, but to even think that… to think that he _deserved_ it even after everything he'd done…."

Sharon nodded, but she had no idea what to say. Finally, she managed, "He's been hanging in there, Karl, and he's made it this long. He's not going to flush himself out an airlock tonight."

"You're right," Helo said, seriously enough to dispel any doubts Sharon had about her own platitudes. "But I still worry about him."

"Of course you do," she said, smiling. "You're a good friend."

Helo put his arm around her. "Thanks. I just wish Felix would find something to live for again; something that actually made him happy. Everyone needs that."

Even the extremely veiled mention of Hera made Sharon's heart clench, and she leaned her head against Helo's shoulder in silence.

***

_There's a long line, so he decides to come back later. After all, this isn't the best idea he's ever had. He _knows_ that. It's wrong, on so many levels. But everything- _everything_\- is gone, and she's the reason why. And there's no one left to care about right or wrong._

Not anymore.

***

"_Galactica_, this is Athena. I've got the _Outlander_ in my sights."

"Copy that, Raptor 812." The voice wasn't Dee's, and Sharon narrowed her eyes at the use of the Raptor number over her call sign. "You've got a green from the _Hitei Kan_."

"Copy that, _Galactica_." Sharon shook her head and focused on her flying. "Racetrack, we good to go?"

"We're steady," Racetrack confirmed, giving her the thumbs up. "Let's do this."

"Right." She guided the Raptor close to the _Outlander_; close enough that she could see the captain and gave her a thumbs' up. The captain nodded back gravely, and followed the Raptor.

"Closing in," Sharon reported to the _Galactica_.

"Copy," the comm officer- Hoshi, that was it- said. "Watch the burrs at eight seven two."

"I know," Sharon said, trying not to let irritation show in her voice. She'd done refuelings several times before; she didn't need to be patronized. She caught Racetrack rolling her eyes, confirming that it wasn't just her own overactive imagination.

She guided the _Outlander_ to the _Hitei Kan_, flying so close between them that the Raptor's wings almost scraped the sides. It was a relief when she managed to ease them out and there was open space around them.

"Phase one complete," she told Hoshi.

"Copy that, Raptor 812." There was a click as he switched to another channel, and then, muttered in her ear, "Frakking toaster bitch."

Sharon froze for a minute, and then her eyes narrowed. "Excuse me?"

Silence on the other end. Then, "I apologize, Lieutenant," Hoshi said stiffly. "I thought the channel had switched."

"Whatever," Sharon said, clenching her fist. "Let's get this refueling done."

"Copy that, Raptor 812."

"Gods, does he even _know_ another phrase?" Racetrack asked in an effort to lighten Sharon's mood.

It didn't work.

***

_She has memories of the Colonies because they've been uploaded and she's been able to access them, but she's never seen them herself. Caprica twirls below them, below _this_ ship. She stares at it for a long moment in wonder, imagining what it will be like to set foot on the ground and breathe the air. When the Colonies fall at their feet, she will be able to find out._

The nukes begin to fall; the first wave has begun. The mushroom clouds begin to blossom.

"It's beautiful," a Two says, and she nods, seeing the sight through the network, the data flooding every sense. She absorbs the patterns, letting them become part of her.

The order comes through. Pilots, get to your raiders_. She pulls her hand from the liquid and ties her hair back, the smile on her face deepening._

She's been waiting for this.

***

"Frakking toaster _bitch_," Sharon said, shoving her flight suit into the locker with more force than needed. "Ass. That's a word for him. Unprofessional ass."

"It's not like it's something you've never heard," Racetrack pointed out.

"Not on duty," Sharon growled. "Not from an officer."

"You could report it to Adama."

"Go running to the Old Man saying the mean humans are picking on me? Not on your life. It's doesn't work that way. Besides, all he did was call me a 'frakking toaster bitch.'"

"Who said that on duty?" a new voice asked.

Sharon swore silently and then sighed. "It's nothing, Helo," she said, deliberately using her husband's call sign and closing her locker a little too firmly. "Nothing I can't handle by myself."

"Didn't say you couldn't," Helo said. "Sharon, who said that?"

"Hoshi," Racetrack supplied.

"Racetrack!"

"What?" Racetrack asked innocently. "Sharon, this is the perfect way to handle it. No Admiral, no brass, but Hoshi gets the message loud and clear that it's unacceptable."

"I'll talk to him. Not like that," Helo said, giving a little half-smile as Sharon opened her mouth to protest. "Just enough to get the point across. Okay?"

He wouldn't rest on this one, and Sharon knew it. "Fine," she said, conceding defeat. "I'm going to get a shower."

He kissed her. "I'll see you back in our quarters."

***

_It's late at night. He should be in his racks, but he can't sleep. He prowls the halls, trying to banish the memories by walking._

They're dead. Everyone is dead. It's a thought he can't escape.

It's quiet on the Pegasus_, and he's not sure if he likes it this way or not. He's standing at the observation deck, looking at the stars and thinking it feels like a ghost ship when someone comes to join him._

"I thought I'd find you here."

"You were right."

They're silent together for a long moment, but the silence isn't entirely uncomfortable. There's a shared loss between them, and they let it wash over them for a long moment.

"Are you ready?" the intruder asks.

He nods. "I'm ready."

"Let's go."

***

Helo knew who Hoshi was, of course, after serving as XO in the CIC. He knew Hoshi was a reliable worker, a quiet man, and strictly professional on the job. However, he'd also seen Commander Garner's reports of insubordination and there had been a few pointed comments from Lee as well. So in addition to his own observations, he also knew that Hoshi had an angry streak to him that didn't often manifest itself in the CIC, unless he was provoked.

What he didn't know was that Hoshi had a lover.

When he opened the door and saw the two men kissing at the table, he almost hurriedly apologized and backed out before he remembered why he was there. _Frakking toaster bitch._ It was small, but it needed to be squelched immediately. He coughed.

Hoshi obviously wasn't pleased at the interruption. "Are you looking for something?" he asked. He sounded courteous, but there was something under it, a darker tone that made it clear that Helo was extremely unwelcome.

His partner leaned around him, and Helo's eyes widened as he met Gaeta's gaze. Felix had an air of impatience about him as well, but he didn't look upset. In fact, his eyes were shining and his hand lingered on Hoshi's. "Hey, Helo," he said. "Everything okay?"

Helo cleared his throat. "Yeah. Hoshi, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Hoshi glanced back at Gaeta. "I'll be right back," he promised. Gaeta nodded. Hoshi straightened his jacket, ran a hand through his hair, and followed Helo out of the hatch. When the hatch closed behind them, any friendliness faded from his face. "What do you need, sir?"

"I heard what you said over the comm system during the refueling," Helo said.

Hoshi stiffened. "I apologized to Lieutenant Agathon," he said. "I thought the channel had changed."

Helo darkened. "I don't want to hear talk like that from an officer again. Especially in the CIC."

"Are you trying to tell me what I can and can't say _outside_ the CIC, sir?" Hoshi's eyes narrowed.

"I didn't say that. But you might want to remember that without Sharon, we never would have gotten everyone off of New Caprica." Helo leaned in a bit. "Including Gaeta."

Hoshi pulled back as if Helo struck him. But there wasn't shame in his face- only anger. Hoshi was holding his tongue. Finally, he ground out, "Is that all, sir?"

Helo wanted to push it, but he decided to hold his own peace. "That's all. I hear about something like that again…" he left the threat hanging.

"Yes, sir," Hoshi said. He saluted, and then pushed the hatch open to return to Gaeta.

Helo sighed. How the frak did Felix manage to unfailingly pick the biggest assholes on the ship? With a shake of his head, he turned to head back to his wife.

***

_Her raider soars down through the atmosphere. She doesn't project; she wants to live this day in all its glory and remember it forever. The day of their uprising, the day of their revolution._

The day that the Cylons gain their freedom.

She darts over plumes of vapor coming up from bombs, watches the fires and the destruction raging below. Her fingers are on her trigger, and she fires. The nukes launch, twin streams streaking across the sky.

Even through the raider, she imagines she can hear the screaming. It's not beautiful, but then, revolution never is.

***

"Sharon. You got a minute?"

Sharon turned to see Gaeta standing with a clipboard and a smile that didn't go to his eyes. "Sure. What's up?"

"The Admiral wants to see you," Gaeta said. "But I've got some questions for you first."

"What sort of questions?" Sharon asked suspiciously.

Scientific questions, it turned out. How much radiation could Cylons take? How were their capabilities different from humans? Did the Cylons have a biomechanical mechanism that differentiated between types of radiation, and why the frak did certain types affect Cylons more intensely while others didn't affect them nearly as much?

At first, Sharon felt strange being questioned like this. Gaeta had led her into Baltar's old lab, and that only made her feel more like a specimen and less like a living individual. But at the same time, Gaeta's manner was respectful, and it reminded her that he was the first one onboard the _Galactica_ to call her Sharon.

She remembered him from Boomer's memories. A bright eyed, eager young officer, optimistic and convinced that the world worked the way it should. Boomer had liked him. Sharon had, too, before New Caprica. She still did, but Helo was right that he was different these days, and she began to think his concern was warranted.

"Are there any differences between the model lines?" Gaeta was asking her. "How they tolerate radiation, I mean?"

"Not that I know of," Sharon said. "There's no differentiation in the programming."

Gaeta nodded, looking down at his notes. "Is there on anything else?"

"What do you mean?"

Gaeta twirled his pen. "Nothing," he said. "I'm just… I keep trying to figure some things out."

"About what?"

"Just… differences in model program… differences in individual Cylon programming, how experiences and input affect the differences in individual Cylons as opposed to the group…" he was staring at the pen like it was the most fascinating thing ever.

Sharon hesitated, and then offered, "I could help."

He looked at her, eyes wide with surprise that she would even offer. Not because she was a Cylon, Sharon realized, but because people didn't often offer to help Felix Gaeta. "I couldn't…"

\--"You could. Felix," she put her hand on his, and he didn't draw back, "do you realize you're one of the few people in this Fleet who seem to comprehend that Cylons are individuals? That we're not all the same, no matter how much we look alike?"

Felix looked back down. "I want to believe that," he muttered.

He wanted to believe. That meant he didn't. Sharon sat back, intensely disappointed. And yet, it was further than most other people had come. "Well," she said, coolness descending into her voice again, "if you change your mind."

"Yeah, thanks." He sat for a moment and then shook himself and looked at his watch. "Come on," he said, standing up. "The Admiral is expecting us in five minutes."

***

_It's easy to get in; they're both lieutenants and this is what Thorne wants anyway. The Marine smirks at them, but they both ignore him. He's not the one they're here to see._

The Cylon is lying on the floor, chained and bruised. For a moment, pity surges in him, but he bites it back. She's the reason… she's why they're_ dead. She's what has taken all the meaning from his life, crushed his heart and left him with this gaping hole in his chest. She's what brought this darkness that is eating his soul._

She's not asleep, and she looks at them warily. She's scared, and he sees it, and it makes him glad.

***

The badge was black. Helo stared at it, his knees shaking even as he sat, his mind numb. All around him, there were muted sounds of confusion. Someone vomited.

"Get Cottle!"

Helo lifted his head, straining with the effort. His mouth was dry and bitter, and he wanted to tell them he didn't need Cottle. But there were white spots in front of his eyes, and everything was starting to spin. He stood, and as he did, his knees began to buckle.

"Don't stand," someone ordered, grabbing him by the elbow and sitting him back down. A sour smell wafted towards him, and Helo thought he saw Kara wiping her mouth. "Cottle will be here."

"I don't need it. I can do one more."

"Your badge is black. You're going to the infirmary."

"Kara-"

"She's right," Cottle said, appearing. "Frankly, you all frakking need to be there, I don't care what color those damn badges are. Now keep your ass sitting right there, and someone will be here to get you to the infirmary."

"I don't-" Helo began, but Cottle was already gone, barking orders. Helo opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, hot bile rose and spewed out, and he bent over helplessly.

The next thing he could really remember, he was in a hospital bed, crisp sheets around him and an IV in his arm. Sharon was sitting beside him, dark circles under her eyes, her hair disheveled.

How is everybody?" Helo managed to croak out.

Sharon smiled and smoothed his blanket. "I think the more relevant question is how are you?"

"I'm okay," Helo said automatically, but as he took an internal inventory he realized it was true. He felt a _lot_ better than he should have, given how dark his badge had been. He struggled to sit up. He didn't quite make it, but Sharon helped him adjust the bed. "Is it done?" he asked.

"Not yet. They're giving us a little more time for that last jump," Sharon said.

Helo's brow furrowed. "How long have I been in here?"

"Only an hour. The others-"

A loud crash interrupted Sharon, and both of them turned automatically to see what was causing the disturbance.

"I don't care!" Narcho was telling Cottle. "I'm a frakking pilot, and my badge isn't black! I can get back out there-"

"You can keep your ass in your bed," Cottle informed him. "At least for the next two hours. And you're not getting back in that Raptor."

"Frak that," Narcho muttered, glaring down at the pitcher of water.

Cottle consulted his chart. "Ishay¸ call up to the CIC and get Lieutenant Hoshi down here, will you?"

"Yes, sir."

"Hey, wait!" Narcho called after the retreating doctor. "That's playing dirty!"

"That's keeping you alive," Cottle said over his shoulder. "If you want to kill yourself, at least do it without taking a Raptor with you."

"What's that all about?" Helo asked Sharon. She shrugged.

"Your guess is as good as mine," she said, but the good humor had leeched from her face. Helo attributed it to worry until Hoshi walked in, and her face darkened even further. Right.

"You'd better sign it," Narcho threatened Hoshi before Cottle could say a word.

"Sign what?" Hoshi asked Cottle.

"Next of kin needs to sign if he's going to be released ahead of my orders," Cottle said.

"Should he be released?" Hoshi asked.

"Hell, no."

"Then keep the pen. And Noel, keep your ass in bed. You're not going anywhere."

"I hate you," Noel informed Hoshi.

"Well, at least you're alive to do it," Hoshi said. He reached out and clasped Noel's hand. It was a small gesture, but in it Helo could see the huge affection between the two men. It made him raise his eyebrows. "I'll be back once my shift is up."

"I thought Hoshi was with Gaeta," Helo said to Narcho after Hoshi had left.

Narcho glanced over at him. "He is," he said neutrally. Helo noticed that he didn't look at Sharon. "But he's my next of kin."

"_Pegasus_ bonds?" Helo asked.

Narcho snorted. "No. Legal ones. He's my brother-in-law, and the only family I've got left. More than most people," he added, with a pointed glare at Sharon, "so I don't complain."

"I didn't know either of you were married," Sharon said.

"Yeah, well, we're not," Narcho snapped at her. He settled back against his bed. "If I'm stuck in here, I'm going to sleep," he informed them.

Helo was used to Narcho being a bit of a son of a bitch, so he laid back and closed his own eyes. But Sharon was quiet, and when he opened his eyes to look at her, she was frowning. "Hey," he said gently. "You okay?"

Sharon shook herself out of her thoughts. "Yeah," she said, forcing a smile. "I'm fine."

Helo wanted to remind her that he was her husband and he knew when she was lying, but the truth was he was exhausted as well. So he didn't push the subject with her.

Later, he wondered if he should have.

***

_The air raids are done, the bombs have been dropped. Now it's time to finish the job. She leads an army of Centurions into a city that proclaims itself as Athens._

The city was beautiful; she can see that in the bones of its destruction. She turns away from broken arches and graceful columns and fallen skyscrapers, reminding herself that this was the society that enslaved them, the one that would see them all submit to its whims.

They march through the streets. Centurions haul out people, searching for the survivors. Survivors can not be allowed. In time they will clear the bodies, but for now, they must be sure that all that is left is corpses.

***

The rec room was full. Pilots were winding down from runs to and from the planet, people were enjoying having full stomachs, and already there had been an attempt to make whiskey from the algae.

"I think it still needs work," Helo muttered, spitting the liquid back into the proffered glass. He handed it back to Hot Dog. "Got room to squeeze two more in?" he asked.

Hot Dog looked regretful. "We're elbow to elbow as it is," he said. "I can see if-"

"No, don't worry about it," Helo said, putting his hand on the small of Sharon's back. "I see Gaeta over there by himself. Bridge bunnies shouldn't be getting whole tables to themselves."

"That is wrong," Hot Dog agreed. "See you later, sir."

Helo moved through the people, Sharon in tow, until he arrived at Gaeta's table. "Felix," he said, snapping his fingers and rousing Felix out of his thoughts. "Got room for two more?"

"Oh, hey Helo. Hey, Athena." Gaeta's smile was equal for both of them. "Sure. Have a seat." He shuffled the cards he'd been fiddling with and automatically dealt them out. "What have you guys been up to?"

"A little of this, a little of that," Helo said. "Got down to the planet for a bit."

"Yeah? How is it?"

"Hot," Sharon answered. "And it stinks."

Gaeta smiled. "Not quite the glories of New Caprica, huh?" he asked sourly. "Still, it's got to be nice to put foot on solid ground again."

Helo nodded, but Sharon just shrugged. "So what are you doing alone, Felix?" Helo asked, rearranging his cards. "I thought you'd be cleaning out the pilots."

"Too easy," Gaeta said glumly. "Like shooting fish in a barrel." He smiled, so it was meant to be a joke, but it just didn't really come out that way. Too bitter, too withdrawn… something about the way Gaeta was sitting reminded Helo of a stray cat he'd found when he was a kid. The cat had cut its paw and had been licking it, and hissed when Helo got too close. But then the game began, and the haunted look receded from Gaeta's face.

They played two hands before Hoshi came in. He hesitated for a moment, eyes narrowing, and beside him Helo felt Sharon stiffen, but then Gaeta lit up and Hoshi sighed and took a seat.

"Hey," Gaeta said, his smile becoming real and the bitterness falling away. "How was your shift?"

"Exhausting," Hoshi said. He glanced at Helo, and then leaned over and kissed Gaeta. It was short, but there was a tenderness about the gesture that surprised Helo. "But everything's going well. Which means it will probably all fall apart catastrophically in a day or two."

"Ten cubits says on my watch," Gaeta muttered.

Hoshi grinned affectionately and reached out and rubbed the back of Gaeta's neck. "If it does, it won't be because of you," he said. "Something else will frak it up."

"Thanks for the reality check," Gaeta said, but he was laughing.

Sharon glared quietly at Hoshi, but all she said was, "This hand's mine." Gaeta groaned good-naturedly, but Hoshi didn't so much as blink to acknowledge that Sharon had spoken. But at the same time, he didn't say anything rude, so Helo decided to be nice.

"How are you settling in on _Galactica_?" he asked Hoshi.

Hoshi shrugged. "Well enough," he said coolly. He picked up the hand that Helo had dealt and began to organize his cards. Helo waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't.

"Different from the _Pegasus_?" Hoshi gave a half-shrug, half-nod. "But good anyway, right?" Helo prompted.

"It has its perks," Hoshi grudgingly admitted, smiling at Gaeta, who blushed. "But I liked the _Pegasus_. Different worlds."

"Oh?"

"I liked working for Admiral Cain," Hoshi said. He stared intently at his cards. "I respect Adama, and he's a good CO. But I'd been with Cain for years."

It finally occurred to Helo that the _Pegasus_ was something of a sore subject, not because of the things that had happened since the attacks, but the home it had been before. "Yeah, that makes sense," he said, playing a card. "So Narcho said that you guys are brothers-in-law?"

Hoshi didn't answer, and Gaeta nudged Helo's calf under the table with his toe. When Helo looked over at him, Gaeta shook his head slightly in silent warning and request. But Sharon missed the gesture.

"How'd that come about?" she asked, obviously trying to make civil, strained conversation for Helo's sake.

"The usual way," Hoshi snapped.

"He was married to your sister?"

"No, I was married to his brother."

"Oh." Sharon blinked at that. "I… was your husband on the _Pegasus_ as well?"

"No." Hoshi put his cards down. "I'm sorry, Felix," he said, kissing Felix's cheek and standing up. "I'm exhausted. I think I'm just going to go to bed." He nodded to Helo. "Good night."

Gaeta watched him go, worry in his eyes. "You need to go, too?" Helo asked him.

Gaeta shook his head. "No. He needs to be alone right now. Or more likely, he'll find Narcho and the two of them will get drunk together. From what I understand, Noel and Matthew were very close." He laid is cards down, looking at them mournfully. "That was his name, I guess. Matthew Alison."

"He brings it up often?" Sharon asked.

"He talks about it some," Gaeta said with a shrug. "But it's a little awkward discussing your dead spouse with your current lover, and he thinks that aside from telling me what I need to know, it's more considerate that he dump the rest of it on Noel or Showboat or anyone else, really."

It _was_ more considerate. A _lot_ more considerate, actually, Helo thought with surprise. He thought about the way that Hoshi had looked at Gaeta, and the tenderness and gentleness he'd seen there. "I can't believe it," Helo said in awe.

"What?" Gaeta said, a smirk already playing at the corners of his mouth.

"You," Helo said, shaking his head and laughing. "Did you actually fall for someone who's good for you for a change?"

The light returned to Gaeta's eyes. "I know," he admitted. "I can hardly believe it myself. But yeah. I know what you guys have thought of my track record so far," he said, rolling his eyes. "But this time, I really found a good one."

"Good for you," Helo laughed, but Sharon wasn't nearly so convinced.

"We'll see," was her quiet response. She sighed. "I think I'm going to go to bed, too."

"Do you want me to come?" Helo asked.

"No." Sharon shook her head. "Stay here and catch up with Gaeta. Get drunk together; have a boys' night." She leaned over and kissed his cheek, and then to Helo's pleased surprised, kissed Gaeta's as well. "Don't let him get too hung over."

"We'll be good," Gaeta promised her, and with that, Sharon left.

***

_It's funny, what he remembers as he stands over Gina. It's not faces, it's not warm touches, it's the house. The house that was slowly improving, with new paint and deep purple shutters. The cracked pavement of the walkway that would one day be replaced with brick. The sofa inside, soft and comfortable enough for two, large enough for four. The worn rug, always needing to be vacuumed._

She's trembling, and Noel's watching him, standing back and letting him take the lead. He nods at Noel, unbuttons his jacket, and takes off the dogtags. A ring glints in the near darkness, clinking against his tags. He tries not to look at it.

And then he swings.

***

One thing Helo noticed really quickly sitting with Gaeta- very few people came over to sit with them, even though Gaeta had a bottle of liquor on the table. The other thing Helo noticed was that Gaeta didn't seem to mind.

"So how long have you and Hoshi been together?" he asked Gaeta seven hands and five shots later.

Gaeta made a face, trying to think. "About a month, maybe?" he finally said. "Not sure at what point we finally decided we were exclusive. Not that either of us was frakking anyone else," he added wryly. "But just saying it… well, you know better than anyone, given how long it took you to settle down."

"Yeah," Helo laughed. "And you said he's a widower?"

"Yeah. Do you mind if we don't talk about that?" Gaeta asked. "It's something that's private to him."

"Of course." Helo deferred it. "It's just… you look happy."

Gaeta blinked. "Yeah. I guess." He looked down at his drink, fingering the edge of the glass. "I am," he said, with a little more confidence.

"That's good. Ever since New Caprica you've looked-"

"Yeah," Gaeta interrupted. "Everyone does." He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "New Caprica," he repeated bitterly. "Frak, I wish we'd never found that place." He sat back, his eyes focused on something far away.

"This is where people normally start talking about frakking toasters and ranting about Cylons," Helo prompted when Gaeta didn't say anything else.

Gaeta stubbed his cigarette out, and then lit another one. "Yeah, guess so," he said. "But you aren't exactly the most sympathetic to that point of view."

"Doesn't mean I don't understand it," Helo said. "I shoot down Cylons any time they come at us."

Gaeta raised his eyebrows and took a deep drag. "Guess so."

Helo sat back. "What do you mean by that?"

Gaeta considered his cigarette. "You know," he said slowly, "I've always wondered why you didn't call me on it."

"On New Caprica? You did what you had to down there."

"Not on New Caprica. I'm the one that delivered the order to have the infected Cylons executed."

"You were acting on orders," Helo said as his throat closed.

"And you were disobeying them."

"And you want to know why?" Helo asked.

Gaeta snorted. "Hardly," he said. "I get it."

"It's not just because of Sharon."

"I know," Gaeta said, blowing smoke out slowly. "That's why I get it." He was silent, and something made Helo hold his tongue, aware that there was more to be said. "There was an Eight," Gaeta said slowly, "down on New Caprica. She was…" he shook his head. "She was different, I'll give her that. She deserves a chance."

Helo blinked. "Wouldn't have expected someone down on New Caprica to understand. Least of all someone who was Resistance."

"I wasn't Resistance," Gaeta said firmly, his eyes sharpening.

"True. Guess things would have been easier on you if you were."

Gaeta shrugged. "Might have been. Or I'd be dead. I did what I had to do." He shrugged, and Helo realized that while the papers might call him a hero, Gaeta didn't see himself that way at all. "I couldn't have done anything else."

"No. Because you did what was right. You did what you _knew_ was right, even if it almost got you killed."

Gaeta snorted. "An idealist."

"Exactly," Helo said. He smirked. "You'll always do what you think is right, no matter what. I like to think we're two of a kind."

That made Gaeta snort again. "We're not. You might be an idealist, but believe me, you'd never fall for…" he shook his head again. "It's late," he said, stubbing out his cigarette, "and I've got duty early."

"Yeah. Me, too." Helo watched as Gaeta stood up, wobbling a bit. "You need some help?"

Gaeta waved him off. "I'm fine. Get some sleep."

"You too." Helo watched him leave the now-deserted rec room, and then reached over and poured himself one more glass of the liquor, trying to work out what all Felix hadn't said.

***

_This wasn't the best area of the city, but it wasn't a slum, either. The houses are worn, the paint peeling, the boards sagging, but the lawns are neat and there are signs of hope. She looks around dispassionately, even as it occurs to her that these people probably have never seen a Cylon. Something about that nags at her; she had pictured all humans as those that lounged in mansions, growing figuratively fat off exploited labor._

The Centurions drag out survivors. They're dirty, they're sick, they're scared. She doesn't see their faces- there are too many faces for her to remember.

A little boy whimpers, and clings to a man. He wraps his arm around the child, whispering into his hair. There's a little girl there, too, and she clings to the man as well. "I want Daddy," she hears her whisper.

The man takes a shaking breath and wipes a tear away from the child's eye with his thumb. "I know," he says. "But we'll see him again, someday, on the other side. Be brave, okay? I'll be here with you." He looks up at her, his blue eyes red rimmed and angry.

"Make it quick for them," he orders her.

She was going to anyway, because there's no time for anything else. She turns to the Centurions, who are lined up across from the survivors.

"Fire."

***

Hera. She was beautiful, far more beautiful than Sharon ever remembered. Every time she touched the smooth baby skin, every time Hera opened her eyes and looked at her, Sharon's heart swelled.

She was sitting beside Hera's bedside in the infirmary when Helo came in, his eyes red and tired. "How is she?" he asked immediately.

"She's recovering," Sharon said. "Cottle said that she's through the worst of it, and as long as she doesn't get an infection, she'll be fine."

Helo closed his eyes in relief. "Thank Gods," he said, and then eased into a chair beside her. "How are you doing?"

She smiled at him, and for the first time since they'd thought Hera had died, that smile came truly easily, undarkened by memories. "I'm good," she said. She reached down and touched Hera's forehead. "I'm really, really good."

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and stared down at their daughter. "Yeah. Me, too."

***

_Noel waits a few punches, and then he joins in. His anger is just as sharp and his pain is just as intense. He grabs her arms and holds her, letting him punch._

She's wearing a shift. That thought occurs to him at some point, and he knows this is what he came here to do. Some part of him still fights it, but the anger runs so deep and she's right there_… he knows how this will end._

And he sees Noel nod.

***

The news of Hera's return spread though the ship like wildfire, and it wasn't necessarily happy news to everyone.

Helo was walking through the halls, Hera toddling beside him, when he saw Gaeta and Hoshi coming the other way. Gaeta smiled, but Hoshi stopped dead in his tracks, the color draining from his face. Helo tightened his grip on Hera's hand.

"Hey Gaeta. Hoshi."

"Hey, Helo." Gaeta was easy, but he kept watching Hoshi out of the corner of his eye, concern clear on his face. "Who's this?"

"This is my daughter, Hera," Helo said proudly. She edged closer to him so she nearly fused with his leg, but he was used to that.

"She's beautiful," Gaeta said.

Hoshi drew in a strangled breath, and then turned around and walked away.

Gaeta cringed and didn't meet Helo's eyes. Instead, he hunkered down to Hera's level. "Hi," he said. "I'm Felix. How are you?"

If it was possible, Hera burrowed even further into Helo. He bent down and picked her up, and she buried her face in his shoulder. "She's a little shy," he explained.

"Can't say I blame her," Gaeta said. "Poor kid's been through a lot." He stood up and took a few steps back, giving Hera space. "I'm glad you were able to get her back."

"Yeah, well, you're one of the few," Helo said, a little more bitterly than he intended.

Gaeta shrugged. "She's a _baby_," he said, like that explained everything. And for Felix Gaeta, it probably did. Helo should have known that Gaeta would see that Hera was an innocent, just like any human child. He smiled.

"Thanks," he said simply, with all the heartfelt warmth he could muster.

"You're welcome." Gaeta glanced over his shoulder. "I'd better go find Louis. See you around." He smirked. "When this little one lets you get out, anyway."

Helo laughed. "Yeah. See you around." Gaeta smiled and turned, heading down the corridor. "Gaeta!" Helo called when he was a good twenty feet away. Gaeta stopped and turned. "I mean it," Helo said. "Thank you. For getting it."

Gaeta shrugged. "I've got to go find Louis," he repeated. "I'll see you."

Helo watched him go, and the warmth he'd felt just a moment before began to drain.

***

_She doesn't really remember the man or the children, but she can access the data, watch it in her mind. There is nothing special about them; not really. They are faces within thousands, all the same. All crying, all begging, all angry, all scared. All so scared, and they should be, because this is God's plan- their extinction. _

The children fall first. The man stays standing, by sheer force of will, until he sees that they can see him no more. He is wounded through the stomach, and he will bleed out. There is no way that he can survive, and she knows that.

She should be glad. She should feel that fierce triumph, that righteous anger and justice that she's felt flowing through her. But the man reaches out, and his hand closes around the little girl's wrist.

When she looks at the data, she isolates that connection and stares at it for a very long time.

***

Sharon hated walking through the Remembrance Hall, but it was the quickest way to get where she was going. She kept her eyes on the floor, looking up only to see those pictures of people she had memories of, people who had died in her time in the Colonial Fleet. She knew where they all were, almost instinctively now. She was so focused on her own progress that she didn't notice the officer until she bumped into him.

"I'm sorry-" she began, but when she looked up, she saw the anger and hate in Hoshi's eyes. She took a step back.

"I'm sorry," she muttered again, preparing to leave.

"Heard you got your daughter back," Hoshi said as she walked away.

Sharon stopped and turned around. "I did. Thank you."

"What are you thanking me for?" Hoshi snarled. "Must be nice, to be able to get your child back from the dead."

"She wasn't dead," Sharon said stiffly. "She'd been kidnapped."

"Wish we could all say the same."

"You're a bastard, you know that?"

"And you're a genocidal bitch that thinks wearing a Colonial uniform can make everything all better."

"What the frak?" Sharon said, stepping closer. "The Admiral gave me this uniform, and that should be enough for you, Lieutenant. So if you've got a problem with it, if you've got a problem with all the penance I've paid and everything I've sacrificed, then you go take it up with him."

Hoshi didn't back down at all. "It doesn't change what you've done."

"And you're looking for an apology? Is that it? You're looking for me to fall on my knees before you and beg for your forgiveness? Well, let me clue you into something. _That_ doesn't change anything. But fighting the Cylons? Siding with the humans and saving your asses? _That's_ more than just words. That's _real._"

"And it still doesn't bring any of them back."

"So you think Hera should pay for it? That she should be lost and alone and frightened until someone finally decides to kill her?"

Something in Hoshi snapped, and he shoved her, hard. "That's what happened to them!" he shouted, pointing furiously at the wall. "Look," he said, grabbing Sharon's arm and twisting it. He jabbed his finger at a picture. "Look at them," he said, pointing to two children. A little girl, who looked to be about five, with blonde braids and brown eyes, smiling widely. And a little boy, around Hera's age, with bright red hair. They were with a man, his arms around each of them as all three of them smiled into sunlight. "They paid. You decided they were guilty and they paid, and they _died_, even though they were…" he shook his head. "For frak's sake, _they_ were children! And you frakking toasters blew them away without giving them the first chance to escape, and they were innocent! So don't give me your rationalizations. _You_ got _your_ daughter back, and apparently that's all that matters."

He shoved her away from him, and then stormed away¸ leaving Sharon shaken. Although she didn't want to, she looked at the picture again, two children, just as innocent as Hera.

And a man, who was almost the image of Noel Allison.

***

_He kicks her; kicks her like a dog. She curls around it, crying out, and _gods_, it feels good. His blood his flowing hot through his veins, and his heart is pounding. He kicks her again, and he hears something crack._

"It hurts, doesn't it?" he sneers at her. His voice doesn't sound like him; it's rough and hoarse. "Can you imagine how they must have felt? Dying there on that planet? Can you imagine how that must have felt?"

Noel grabs her hair and pulls her head up, and nods to him. He takes the picture out of his jacket pocket. "Look at them," he orders her. She closes her eyes. "LOOK AT THEM!" He swings, hits her jaw. She cries out. "Look at them," he orders once more in a deep, dark hiss. "They're so young. They never hurt a soul. And you… you killed them. You made the suffer! You gave them nothing but pain, and their last memories, the last thing they knew in this world- it was hate and blood and pain and-" he's crying now, the tears streaking his face.

"You made them suffer," he told her. "And now, you're going to do the same."

***

"You're quiet tonight," Helo observed.

Sharon shrugged. "It was just a long day."

Helo laid down on the bed, propping himself up on his elbow. "Long day?"

She couldn't lie to him. "Just someone thinking that I'm personally responsible for his children dying."

"Who?" Helo asked.

"Who do you think?"

"Forgiveness takes time," Helo sighed. "That's what I keep telling myself. But you've made your choices, and what you've done… how many people you've _saved_…"

"That's what _I_ keep telling myself," Sharon said.

In her crib, Hera made a noise and turned over, her butt going up into the air as she tucked her knees under her. The sight made Sharon's heart clench, and she wondered how it was possible to love something so much. And she thought of Hoshi, standing over a crib and feeling the same way.

And she didn't sleep that night.

***

_They're dead. Enough of them, anyway, and God's plan has been fulfilled. She can feel the joy pulsing from her brothers and sisters, flooding the channels and surging the signal. And part of her soul rises up to meet that, to join in._

And yet, she feels other notes, too. Here and there, there are patches of darkness. Regret. Pictures of suffering that flash before eyes, sights that were noted and observed and then added to the bank of memories She sees a woman running, and then stopping to help an old man. She sees a child crying over the body of brother before she crumples on top of him, a hole in her head. She sees a man holding a woman's hand to his face, and then lunging forward, pain so clear in his eyes that it might as well be written in words. She sees a hospital in ruins, she sees a library fallen, she sees the grace and beauty of the Colonies crumble.

She celebrates, because this is what they worked for. This is what they wanted. But she suspects the celebration stains her soul, and she can't find the euphoria she expected to feel.

She wonders what is missing.

***

Helo was in the officer's head, sorting out his clothing after his shower when someone bumped into him. "Excuse me," he said, stepping closer to the locker so there was room to pass.

"Traitor." It was a low hiss.

Helo turned around to see Narcho walking past, intent on his destination. "Excuse me, Lieutenant?"

Narcho looked up. "What?"

"What did you just say?"

"I didn't say anything, sir."

"Oh. So that's how it's going to be?" Narcho made a face and turned back to his locker, but Helo grabbed his shoulder. "You don't have the guts to face me like a real man?"

"No. I don't have the protection to face you like a real man when you go crying to Adama."

"Right. Because the Old Man was a huge help when the President kidnapped my daughter."

"I seem to remember he was willing to pit the _Galactica_ against the _Pegasus_ over you. And believe me, I was out there in my Viper. I remember it really, really well."

"That wasn't about me," Helo informed him. "That was about Cain, and the way she was pushing aside everything humanity should stand for. I was just a convenient excuse."

Narcho snorted. "Right."

"You don't believe me?"

"I believe that I'd get in a lot more trouble than I want to for saying what I really want to say to you, _sir_."

"All right." Helo threw his towel against his locker. "Let's get it out in the open. Go ahead. Say it. Permission to speak freely."

Narcho sighed angrily. "Fine. How the _frak_ can you forgive her? How can you not want to pound her face in every time you look at her. Didn't you lose anyone on the Colonies?"

"I lost people," Helo said.

"Parents?"

Helo made a face. "Not worth mentioning."

"Siblings?"

"Only child."

"Kids?"

"Not that I know of."

"Then how the _frak_ can you say you lost anyone?"

"Just because they weren't related to me by blood didn't mean they weren't family."

"Tell me about it, since the only family I've got left is a brother-in-law that lost his husband and his two young kids- my brother and my niece and nephew. Do you have any idea how much that keeps both of us awake at night? Here we are, Colonial military, doing our jobs to protect our people, and we can't even protect our own frakking family." Narcho slammed his fist against a door, making a hollow metal sound. "They died alone, without us, and there was nothing either of us could do to stop it."

"And she didn't understand what she was doing."

"Like hell she didn't!" Narcho retorted. "How the frak can you fire a gun at a person and not understand what you're doing?"

"Ever swat a mosquito?" Helo asked. "Because that's what we are to them. Mosquitos. Dangerous mosquitoes. They didn't get it before. She understands now, and she made a choice."

"Like hell they didn't understand!" Narcho's face was twisted in anger. "I knew that bitch Gina before the Colonies fell. And she understood. She understood well enough to make the Admiral fall in love with her. So don't you give me that crap about understanding. Those things understood all too well. Believe me, if you'd seen her face when we-" Narcho cut himself off, pulling back. "Frak it," he snarled, "you're never going to get it."

Helo narrowed his eyes. "If I'd seen her face when you what?" Narcho didn't answer, and Helo stepped in. until they were chest to chest. "If I'd seen her face when you _what_?" he demanded, biting off each word as he loomed over Narcho.

Narcho lifted his chin, glaring at him. "You know what, Helo? We're at _war_. And even if they didn't understand before, they understand now, and they still keep coming for us. They're the enemy, Helo, and the day is going to come when you have to make a choice. You can't balance in between us and them forever."

"I'm not balancing in between anything," Helo said. "I wear the Colonial uniform, and so does my wife. Our allegiance is clear, and you'd better remember that, _Lieutenant_."

Narcho nodded stiffly "Duly noted, _Captain_." He pulled his shirt off, and grabbed his towel. "Permission to take a shower, _sir_?"

"Get out of my sight," Helo consented.

Narcho stormed off, and Helo sank down onto the bench, waiting for the nausea to pass.

***

_He can't come._

He moves in her, and she's crying. She's given up fighting, and she's broken and she's hurting, and yet, he can't come.

He sees Matthew in his mind, and he has to roll off her before he's sick. He nods to Noel, lets Noel take his turn, and retreats to a corner of the cell. He pulls his pants up, fastens them, and then slumps against the wall, and he's crying. He's crying so hard his chest hurts.

He has no idea of how long he's been crying, but eventually Noel's arms are around him. "It's okay," Noel says roughly. "It's over. We did it. They have justice now. We can lay them to rest." Noel tries to reassure him, but he can't stop crying.

He's not crying because he did this. He's crying because he did this, and nothing changed._ Matthew hasn't come walking over to kiss him. The kids aren't running towards him, calling for daddy with their arms outstretched. Nothing has changed; they're still dead and he's still alive and _nothing has changed.

He hates the thing in the cell. He hates the Cylons. But right now, he's pretty sure he hates himself even more.

***

"Hoshi." Helo caught him by the arm before the man could escape. "You and I need to have a talk."

Hoshi yanked his arm away. "No. We don't."

"Yeah. We do. That's an order, Lieutenant."

Hoshi sighed and followed Helo into an empty weapons locker.

"I know what this is about," he said, his arms crossed, glaring at Helo. "Noel told me."

"It's not about that," Helo growled. "It's about my wife and my friend."

Hoshi drew back as if Helo had slapped him. "What, you think I'd do that to either of them? You think… for frak's sake! Get out of my way."

He tried to storm past, but Helo put a hand up and caught him squarely in the chest. "Maybe I was wrong," he said.

"Maybe?" Hoshi repeated incredulously. "Yeah. Maybe you were."

"Well, you did it once."

"You know nothing about it," Hoshi spat. "Nothing. You want to put yourself in someone else's shoes? Want to understand the other side? Well, understand your own side, first. Go serve on the _Pegasus_. Go lose your spouse and child. And when you've done that and you don't take some sort of revenge, then come tell me what I'll do and what I won't do." Hoshi shook his head. "But I'll tell you one thing. I'm not going to hurt Felix."

"I'm glad to hear it." Helo dropped his hand.

To his surprise, Hoshi didn't storm out of the weapons locker. Instead, he crossed his arms and leaned against the empty shelves. "I don't pretend to remotely understand what you see in a Cylon," he said. "But I'll grant you this, you're a good soldier. And you're a good friend to Felix. I don't think you know how much _I_ appreciate that. Felix deserves a hell of a lot better than he's gotten."

"I can't argue with that," Helo agreed.

Hoshi softened, just a little. "And I'm not going to go anywhere near your wife," he said. "And not just because she'd kill me before you even had a chance."

"Then why not?"

"Because it won't change anything. No matter what I do in this life, they'll still be dead. Nothing I can do will ever change that."

"Yeah."

"Look," Hoshi sighed, "just do me a favor, okay? Don't make me socialize with her. Have her leave, or let me walk away. Felix knows it, and he understands. It's just best that way. "

Helo was rapidly reevaluating. "But if you understand, if you just tried-"

"I don't _want_ to try," Hoshi said. "You're asking me to drink and laugh and play Triad with someone who helped kill my son, my daughter, and my husband. Maybe she didn't put the gun to their heads, but she was in on it. I'm not looking for revenge, but I do want peace. I think I can find it with Felix, and I think he can find it with me. And these days, that's the most I can ask for."

"I can respect that," Helo heard himself saying. "I'll tell Sharon." He hesitated, and then said, "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you." Hoshi straightened himself and his uniform. "I'll see you around, then." The professional mask came down, and he nodded silently to Helo as he let himself out of the weapons locker.

***

_In a perfect world, this is how it would go._

Helo would go home and explain to Sharon, and maybe Sharon would understand. But even if she didn't then, she and Hoshi would find themselves together somehow, locked in a Raptor or stuck in a room. And eventually they would talk about it, and understand. After all, they both know what it's like to lose a child, and they both know what it's like to take that revenge and find it leaves you emptier than you were before. In a perfect world, they'd cry on each other's shoulders, they'd find common ground in the men they loved, and they might even forge a friendship.

But this isn't a perfect world. And this is how it really goes.

Helo and Gaeta stay friends, as best they can. Helo is there at Gaeta's side for a long time; when Gaeta stabs Baltar, during the pain of the trial as the wounds of New Caprica are ripped open, and on the deck of the Demetrius_, when Kara confuses and frustrates them both._

But Narcho is right, and one day, Helo has to make a choice between human and Cylon. He doesn't see it that way- it's a wife or a friend, the slim hope of Earth or the disappointment of failure. But Gaeta sees it that way, because pain narrows his vision down to black and white. And Helo chooses the Cylon, and that begins to cost them both.

Then Felix finds out that the Cylon he believed could change never did, and she was worse than the others. And he has to make that same choice; Cylon or human. And the choice is simple, but it's not easy.

In a way, Helo was right all along. It's not what you believe or what you are, but the choices that you make. And when Gaeta's in front of the firing squad, he remembers Helo saying that at, and he agrees, lifting his chin to face the guns. Because really, they are two of a kind.

Hoshi and Athena stay apart, the best they can. But the day comes when they make their choices, too.

Hoshi doesn't take revenge. He's learned that it does nothing, that he can't change what's happened by inflicting worse pain on others. Instead, he takes up Adama's charge and protects his people, in the way he couldn't protect his family. But when the opportunity for vengeance comes up, Athena snatches it. Because yes, she knows that pain, that inability to protect her child, and she's going to be damn sure her child is never, ever threatened again. And if Hoshi had that chance, he would sure as hell do the same. She knows that, and when he hears the story, so does he.

After all, they're two of a kind as well.


End file.
